It goes without saying that the Lizard and I love training. We like getting right with Jesus by pummeling each other with punches to the bladder. We like doing weird neck exercises that Danny probably learned in prison. We like kicking each other so hard that Tony is forced to yell “Please stop trying to kill each other you’re all going to give me ulcers.”
Having said that, the Lizard and I also enjoy eating pizza, drinking beer, abusing our Snapchat privileges and referring to people who look at us funny as ‘beta males’. With that in mind, here is a (vaguely) comprehensive list of real world situations that Lizard and I commonly find ourselves in when navigating Boulder Colorado in skinny jeans rather than Thai shorts:
Hypothetical #1: Navigating a house party:
We know like, three people. So when Lizard and I attend an event that a friend of ours invites us to, we tend to flounder. Let me paint a fairly common opening scene for you when arriving to a shindig:
We know like, three people. So when Lizard and I attend an event that a friend of ours invites us to, we tend to flounder. Let me paint a fairly common opening scene for you when arriving to a shindig:
*Lizard and Steve walk through door. Immediately starts searching for keg.*
*Random stranger approaches us. Makes genuine effort to get to know us.*
*Steve moves aggressively towards exit.*
Hypothetical #2: Going to the movies: Lizard and I think all of our ideas are genius. So we always agree. Going to the movies is a cakewalk for us. We swing by Tokyo Joe’s, stuff our jackets with sushi and go see something violent. The only doozy is when the movie ends, Lizard is unable to buffer her actions in the real world from the images she saw on the big shiny screen. The following footage is from us walking out of ‘Sicario’. Viewer discretion is strongly advised:
Hypothetical #3: Dining out in public:
This area can be a real doozy. Because of how sophisticated our palates are, Liz and I only dine at the finest of establishments like Red Lobster and the Shell gas station off Alameda. We have been known to turn our time at the dinner table to enjoy both food and company into a hyper paranoid state where we only assume Tony has drones flying overhead monitoring every single morsel of nutrition that goes into our mouths. In the past I’ve been known to wrap my triple bacon omelette in leaves just to disguise it as a salad.
Hypothetical #4: An Altercation With Your Boss:
We know better than most that in order to succeed in this world, you must be willing to wear many hats. Liz’s approach to neutralizing a pompous superior is slightly different than mine, It is up to you to determine which route you want to take in order to insure success when forced into an interaction with the person that writes your checks.
Stranger: “Hey! You’re a woman, right?”
Lizard: “In many ways…”
*Steve notices sloveningly male’s advances on associate. Laughs at his lack of awareness*
*Lizard is cornered and too nice to rebuff the aforementioned stranger’s advances.*
*Lizard is cornered and too nice to rebuff the aforementioned stranger’s advances.*
*Lizard begins to feel panicky and hostile at not having any authority in this idiotic interaction.*
Stranger: “So do you like tapas?”
*Lizard’s fuse snaps. Responds in hysterical code red-esque mannerisms.”
Lizard: “NONONONONONONO.”
*Steve decides to step in. Gently informs stranger that his blonde, pixie-cut counterpart could easily kill him with little to no effort.**Stranger leaves with life intact and haunting sense of regret.*
*Steve decides to step in. Gently informs stranger that his blonde, pixie-cut counterpart could easily kill him with little to no effort.**Stranger leaves with life intact and haunting sense of regret.*
Hypothetical #3: Dining out in public:
This area can be a real doozy. Because of how sophisticated our palates are, Liz and I only dine at the finest of establishments like Red Lobster and the Shell gas station off Alameda. We have been known to turn our time at the dinner table to enjoy both food and company into a hyper paranoid state where we only assume Tony has drones flying overhead monitoring every single morsel of nutrition that goes into our mouths. In the past I’ve been known to wrap my triple bacon omelette in leaves just to disguise it as a salad.
Hypothetical #4: An Altercation With Your Boss:
We know better than most that in order to succeed in this world, you must be willing to wear many hats. Liz’s approach to neutralizing a pompous superior is slightly different than mine, It is up to you to determine which route you want to take in order to insure success when forced into an interaction with the person that writes your checks.
Hypothetical #5: Dressing for work:
The Bruise Brothers are models of efficiency. We believe work doesn’t exist without play. And vice versa. We are part time scribblers with a full time appetite for elbow burritos. When leaving the office, it is important to be ready for combat on a moment’s notice. An example of this can be seen below as Liz is rocking the Thai-style pleated bodice complemented by an empired-waisted draped sun top:
Scenario #1: Your boss is a super cool dude/dudette:
Boss: “Hey, Steve. Did you book privates with those three students like I asked you to do last week?
Steve: *Stares motionlessly at boss like a spooked animal* (it is imperative that you say absolutely nothing in this moment).
Boss: “...so no?”
Steve: “You look like you could use some coffee. Would you like me to go get you some coffee?”
Boss: “Sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be any more clear with you. Also, please wear underwear underneath your Thai shorts.”
Scenario #2: Your boss is incompetent and exists to make your life insufferable
Boss: “Hey, Steve. I need to have a conversation with you about your work attire.”
Steve: “This is my battle armor. What is wrong with my battle armor?”
Boss: “In many ways, one could argue that it is not work appropriate. You are showing quite a bit of thigh…”
Steve: “In many ways, one could argue that my excessive thigh exposure allows me to be more mobile/nimble at a moment’s notice. This is an imperative skill that I hope to maintain/further develop during my employment with this company.”
Boss: “I’m gonna need you to go home and change.”
***
from Boulder with love,
the Bruise Brothers
so fucking awesome
ReplyDelete